Letter to God

Dear God,

As You undoubtedly know, there is a little argument down here about intelligent design and evolution. If You really did create us in a day, and if You ever find humans worth another try, there are a few anatomical modifications that we hope You might consider the next time around.

As it happens, Lord, some of the organs You included in the mix have not turned out so well. Tonsils and appendixes don't seem to be especially useful apart from keeping surgeons occupied, or as clues to infection with "mad cow disease." And sinuses. Even if they do lighten the head, all they ever do is get infected. Couldn't we just have stronger neck muscles?

Our perversity in wanting to walk upright, when it is clear that this was not Your intention, has led to some real problems with our spines and leg joints. Would it be possible for You either to fix the pelvis at a right angle to prevent us from this error, or strengthen our weight bearing joints? We also hope You will anticipate our penchant for portable email devices by designing tiny little fingertips to operate the keys.

And the aesthetically splendid symmetry—could You extend it even further? It would certainly cut down our problem with trauma and strokes to have each side of our brain perform exactly the same functions. The rest of the head is outstanding, as are the limbs, but when we get into the thorax and abdomen, we have a few requests. You probably did not intend us to discard our diet of berries and nuts for fatty meats and pastries, but that's what happened, with disastrous consequences to our cardiovascular systems. Two hearts and a lipid-resistant lining to blood vessels would be just the thing (or give us an enzyme that transforms our preferred cuisine to harmless molecules).

We found out about alcohol, Lord, so it would be nice to have a liver (and maybe a pancreas) in reserve. Or You might remove the enzymatic chain that metabolises alcohol and make us too sick to consume it. Ditto for all the other drugs we seem so prone to abuse.

Thanks to Your gracious allotment of intelligence, we are on the verge of creating plenipotentiary cell banks, but there is a serious unresolved problem of individual compatibility. Somewhere—perhaps in redesigned sinuses, if for some reason You prefer that we keep them—there might be a little storehouse of such cells that could be tapped into when the need arises.

Despite the beautiful symmetry and economy of design with which we are blessed, it has occurred to us that the placement of our genital and excretory organs in such close proximity was either done to remind us of Original Sin, or because there did not seem to be a satisfactory anatomical alternative. Could You think about this? No obvious repositioning arrangement comes to mind, but some kind of retractable underarm mechanism might be practical.

In fact, this whole survival of the species thing deserves some rethinking. The delicate balance between the pleasures of sex and the pain of reproduction has been an issue for our womenfolk, who have borne the brunt of the pain. Maybe if they were given only two or three eggs together with a comfortable course of pregnancy and childbirth, the need for an endless succession of menstrual periods and the hot flushes of menopause could be eliminated without endangering our continued existence here on earth.

We hope, Lord, that You do not take offence at these suggestions, which are offered in all humility from creatures who surely do not fully understand the reasons that went into Your marvel of design, from its coating of skin to its molecular engineering, and we are truly grateful for Your efforts on our behalf.

PS: We know You have a sense of humour, Lord, but could you please do something about adolescence?

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Paul Brown, BMJ, June 2006